Mass Effect: Psychobabble
by DeltaKilo
Summary: Everyone seems to be acting strange on the SSV Normandy. Maybe the stress finally got to them all. The only question. Will Shepard be able to get everyone back under control. Probably not. Warning random content
1. Chapter 1

Mass Effect: Psychobabble

Inside the Captains Cabin aboard the SSV Normandy, Commander What's-his-name Shepard slept soundly in his bed. Lately he had been having nightmares about the atrocities that are happening on Earth and all those he failed to save. But tonight was different, tonight Shepard dreamed of tacos.

All the tacos.

Oh it was a magnificent dream. Tacos as far as the eye could see. Shepard could eat tacos to his hearts consent. And he ate tacos till he couldn't eat tacos no more, and then he ate more tacos, because it was a dream, and these thing happen in dreams.

For the first time ever, Shepard was truly happy, if only he could stay in this taco nirvana forever.

**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG**

Shepard opened his eyes and jumped up.

"What the fuck was that?!" He said

**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG**

Alarmed at what it could possibly be, Shepard jumped out of bed and ran to the elevator. By instinct he pressed the button to the crew deck and rode the elevator down, noting how oddly cold it was all of sudden.

Upon reaching the after mentioned floor, Shepard walked around the corner and heard the noise again. But this time much louder.

**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG**

He walked to the middle of the crew deck to address everyone in the room as well as well as Doctor Chakwas who could see through the med bays windows.

"Does anyone know what is making that sound?" He asked, but his only reply was everyone looking at him strangely. Some looked with horror, others with confusion, Cortez for some reason looked impressed. But Shepard ignored them, for he had heard the noise again.

**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG**

Now Shepard could pinpoint where it came from. And it was coming from the gun batteries. Shepard ran as fast as he could. Garrus always was in there, and he could be in trouble. Garrus was Shepards best friends. He couldn't let anything happen to him.

Shepard opened the airlock door to find Garrus standing there with his mouth wide open, emanating the noise.

"**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - **oh, Shepard, need me for something." The Turian said.

"Garrus. What are you doing? What was that sound you were making?!" Shepard yelled.

Garrus crooked his head, and then snapped his fingers. "I knew I forgot to tell someone."

"Tell me what" Shepard demanded to know.

"Well…" Garrus started to look a little embarrassed. "It's the Turian mating season. And I was just practicing my mating call."

Shepard stood dumbfounded. "You're… mating call?"

"Oh yes. Liara came in here not to long ago to compliment me, she was half naked and told me to quote 'Shut the fuck up' which I'm pretty sure in Asari means 'I wanna do you right now."

"Garrus!" Shepard snapped. "The Reapers are attacking the galaxy. Their killing everyone we know and love. Both of our entire species could be completely wiped out. Tell me, why are you so concerned about getting laid at a time like this?!"

Garrus dropped to his knew and began to sob. "I just want to be loved." He cried "You always get the hot alien chicks. Why can't I be like that? Why can't I be like you? Why can't I be like Captain Kirk?"

"Wait. You know about Captain Kirk.?"

"Well actually, I believe Picard is a better Captain then Kirk"

Shepard gasped. "BLASFAMY." He said and proceeded to Shepard punch Garrus, sending him flying into the gun batteries computer, thus de-calibrating it, and ensuring Garrus to be busy for the next several years.

Feeling a job well done, Shepard began to head toward the exit, when the door opened to reveal Legion stand in front of him.

"Shepard-Commander, we…" Legion stopped and began to scan Shepard for a few seconds. "Shepard-Commander, may we inquire as to why you are not wearing any clothing."

And that's why Shepard no longer sleeps in the nude.

The end

Authors note: How much of nerd am I to know about Kirk and Picard when I don't even watch Star Trek?


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard (now dressed in his casual clothes) decided that he would have to face the crew again at some point. He figured that he might as well do it sooner rather then later. With luck, everyone will be too embarrassed to comment on it, and the whole thing will quickly be forgotten.

Garrus was no longer practicing his mating call, due to currently being out cold on the floor in the gun battery room. But Shepard had other things to think about as he walked into the elevator and pushed the button to the Command Deck.

Shepard walked out just in time to see everyone turn their heads away. So far so good.

He walked towards the cockpit to go see Joker. Shepard knew there would be a smartass comment from his pilot, and once he got it out of his system, everyone could just forget. However, on the way there, he was surprised to find none other than Miranda. And she didn't look very happy.

"Miranda?" Shepard began to ask. "What are-"

"It's yours isn't it?!" The former Cerberus operative shouted.

"Is what mine?" Shepard asked, now very confused.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about Shepard. At first I thought it belonged to Cerberus, and that it was recording all of our conversations. And that the person monitoring it was perverted. But now I've noticed it's only there whenever you're around, Cerberus or no. In fact, it's here right now, as I'm talking to you."

"Miranda." Shepard stated. Getting more than a little irritated for being blamed for something he had no idea about. "What are you talking about?"

"This." She stated, pointing at an empty space behind her. "You're fucking flying camera thats always looking at my ass."

Shepard, for the second time that day, stood dumbfounded. He looked, but there was nothing there.

"Miranda-"

"Don't say you don't see anything. I know you put a cloaking device on it. Bet you thought I wouldn't notice huh. It might have fooled a less attentive person. But not me."

Miranda then pulled out a gun and shot the empty space, and to Shepard's surprise, a camera de-cloaked and fell to the ground. She then turned around and walked back to the airlock.

Shepard decided to just leave it alone and go back to bed. On his way back to the elevator, Tali stopped him and pulled him close to speak in his ear.

"Thanks for covering for me." She whispered.

"What?!" Shepard retorted.

"That camera belongs to me; I've been the one making recording of her ass."

"Tali, why would you do that?"

Tali jumped backed in exaggerated confusion. "Shepard, have you seen that ass. What I would do to her." She said before walking away.

Shepard just stood there for a few seconds. But then thought _"Fuck it"_ and rode the elevator back into his room.

The elevator doors opened, only for Shepard to find Legion standing in the middle of his cabin. Shepard just stared at the geth for a few moments before deicing to make the first move.

"Is there any thing you need Legion?" The geth responded by getting uncomfortably close to Shepard.

"Shepard-Commander, we know now."

"Know what?" Shepard asked, thinking he couldn't possibly be more confused.

"We didn't understand until recently, but when we saw you earlier today, it became clear. Shepard-Commander, we now understand the feeling you organics call love."

"…What?" Shepard said.

"We love you Shepard-Commander. Now please assume the position."

"… What?" He said a second time.

"We shall now perform the obligatory sex-scene."

"… What?"

"You will feel a slight discomfort at first. And do not be alarmed if you begin to feel a numbness in your legs, that is normal."

"Legion." Shepard stated. "I am not having sex with you. And I don't love you. Now get out.

Legion looked to the floor. "We now understand the feeling you organics call sadness." He said before slowly walking back to the elevator.

Shepard watched the door close and shouted to himself. "Could this day get any worse"

Right then Shepard heard that unmistakable sound.

**DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR**

****The End (again)


End file.
